Traction control, in the eyes of many, is an unnecessary evil. There to prevent the proletariat from pranging their Peugeots, it is a device of which our egos forego the use. “We don’t need that!” we chant, “That’s for the imbeciles, which we are not!”. As such, it’s purpose is more honoured in the breach than in the observance.
And yet with an ever increasing number of cars, the power levels are such that we cannot escape it. Since the 1990s, Mercedes has recognised the inherent issues with switchable stability and grip systems – so even when they’re turned off, they’re still on a little bit. The Leviathans that are today’s performance cars are so powerful, that to disable their computers is to risk life and limb. How many people really have the skill to control such beasts? Even those used to driving them on a frequent basis, and often sideways, have been known to fail. So why should Mr. J. Bloggs, bank manager resident in Acacia Avenue, Haslemere, feel that the button in his Audi S8 is there to switch the system off?
And it’s not only this confidence in their own capabilities that marks the road yuppies out in their German saloons. It’s the state of their driving. It’s apt to refer to such cars as Leviathans, as if we refer to that political tome by Thomas Hobbes we can draw some interesting parallels between the state of play on the roads and man’s own state of nature. For during the time men live without traction control to keep them all in awe of the beasts which they have use of, they are in that condition which is called road war; and such a war as is of every man against every man, vying for their place at the front of the traffic queue. In this state any German executive saloon car driver has a seemingly natural right to the liberty to gesticulate in any way he wills to preserve his own place in the line of traffic, and life without traction control can be proved solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short by the time that said executive saloon car driver wraps himself round a lamp post. It is a war of all Audi drivers against all BMW drivers, who seemingly cannot offer so much liberty against other men as they would allow other men against themselves. The causes for this conflict are clear; the first makes men shove into the queue for gain; the second to do the ton down the M1 for safety; and the third, to switch his traction control firmly off for reputation. We proles in our lesser cars moan of injustice, and there is – the 21st century yuppies are unwilling, in a system in which others may display the will, to lay down this right to the place at the front of the queue; and be contented with the place at which they arrive.
The final cause, end, or design of men (who naturally love their arrogance, and self-superiority over others) is the introduction of that restraint upon themselves, in which we see them wait in traffic queues. The switching on of their traction control is the foresight of their own preservation, and of a more contented life thereby; that is to say, of getting themselves out from that miserable condition of road war which is necessarily consequent, as hath been shown, to the natural passions of men when there is no visible power to keep them in awe, and tie them by fear of imminent death to the performance of their stability systems. This considered, the kingdom of road ragery… is nothing else but a confederacy of deceivers that, to obtain dominion over men in this present world, endeavour, by dark and erroneous practices, to extinguish in them the light…
Would that every driving licence were issued upon signation of the following: “I authorise and give up my right of governing my driving style to this body or computer, on this condition; that thou other motorists give up thy rights to him, and authorise all his actions in like manner.” Would that not result in greater road order?
But let’s face it, it’s never going to happen. All we can do is keep our eyes open for the idiots who inspired this article; who don’t bother with traction control and who drive like their single brain cell is out to lunch; and do our best to avoid them. Drive safely.
